So I was excited for 2015.... But it had other plans for me; I lost my job, had a miscarriage, and now my whole life is about to be upside down as we uproot from NYC to God only knows where as I am interviewing with companies all over the country. As I come to terms that life is no longer growing in my womb as I pack boxes, I can only be thankful for what I do have. Every morning before I get out of bed I make myself go down a list.
-My own life and the ability to get pregnant again- it was real touch and go there during the miscarriage
-My beautiful 3 year old daughter- she inspires me to be resilient and striving to be beautiful
-My loving husband that is always there with me as God takes us on this roller coaster journey
-My mother and sister which have been and will always be my motivation to keep going- that I cant be stopped
It is now March and I have been longing to write from January, but somehow I couldn't bare to get on here because to write for me is to bare my soul, to deal with my sadness, and disappointments; to be jolted out of my sleep and depression. Months have passed and uncertainty remains, but the beauty I love and revere remains and is flourishing... despite the harsh winter, the seeds are blossoming. Here is what this post will be about- what I have learned in 2015 and what I expect out of the remainder of the year.
All women experience miscarriages, only 20-25% of women know about it, and of that 20-25% about 50% of them experience miscarriage in their first trimester. No matter how you slice and dice it- when you find out you are expecting you immediately begin to dream and yearn about your growing child, you want nothing but the best for them, and you so badly want them in your arms. When you are unable to hold your child in your arms, it is heart breaking and simply said it is a loss. With every loss, mourning and grieving needs to happen in order to heal. There is no time line, right/wrong way, or cookie-cutter way to deal with handling this type of loss; for me- everyday is different and I have to acknowledge the fact that I am a child of God. I am due an inheritance that is only for me and that with every blessing and tribulation I have to continue to thank Him because I am being elevated even when it feels like I am quickly sinking. Today's hurdle and obstacle are ladder rungs into my new reality that I cant even begin to imagine for myself and when I reach my new plateau I will be able to understand the scars I received along the way and that they will only make my testimony a tool to be able to relate with someone else to tell them its going to be ok, I know how despair and hopelessness feels like, but I know what accomplishment, joy, and love feels like to and it is worth every pain and tear shed.
Unemployment... Geesh this one definitely threw me for a loop, I have been employed since I was 16 years old (and well the season of spring is setting on this chicken!), I have managed to dodge major layoffs, pink slips, and any sort of loss of job until 2015. I am a bonafide workaholic- I was living my childhood dream working in the fashion/retail industry. Now I am not saying I have loved every job- most of the times I was stressed out, extremely fatigued, and paranoid about not having the right answer when it was time for me to say my spiel. I often had to deal with perception issues about being a Black woman with dreads in Corporate America, ensuring I was given my respect due, and had to fight tooth and nail to execute my strategies that I knew were the right thing to do for the customer. It was always worth it though when I saw my customer with that look in her eye- you know that look when you have struck gold on a shoe floor, jewelry case, or fitting room; that moment where you are like YES!!! THIS WAS MEANT FOR ME!! When I was a little girl, I was picked on for not having Nikes, Tommy Hilfiger, and other designer labels in my wardrobe and I wanted nothing more to give every girl the access to beauty and confidence with out the labels and high price tags. No one should have to choose between eating or having the "right wardrobe".
Yes I no longer work for the major retailor but my passion for a woman's beauty and confidence prevails coupled with my each one teach one attitude. Sometimes you need the noise to be silenced so that truth can be uncovered and revealed, in this short time I have uncovered a new passion- nutrition. I have discovered the Paleo diet and have found myself in the kitchen unlike ever before experimenting with fruits and vegetables cooking with love- sometimes it is a success and other times... not so much, but definitely a lesson learned. I am finding beauty in not only the outer esthetic of clothes and accessories, but also in what we put in our bodies and our families' bodies. I have taught my daughter and I am sure a lot of it is in the genes about what beauty is and she is obsessed with it as well as frozen and dinosaurs. I have taught her that being beautiful means being brave, courageous, forgiving, polite, and resilient- and a touch of lip gloss and nail polish are the cherries on top. Now I am including the importance of eating the foods that God created- and balancing that with what man made/processed foods... albeit my explanations are dramatic " your pretty smile will fall out of your head if you eat to much goldfish" hey she is three and she is eating bell peppers, sweet potatoes, and cauliflower and actually saying it is yummy so don't judge me!
I really don't know what is going to happen with my life in the next couple months or this grand year of 2015, but I do know that I see happiness and tears, growth, success, health, beauty, nutrition, building up women of all walks of life, and of course a deeper relationship with my God. I am scared shitless but at the same exact time I am exhilarated at the possibilities and the new chapter that is unfolding before me! All I can do now, is wash my face, moisturize, draw on some liner and pucker my lips for a stunning lip color and kiss yesterday goodbye and today and tomorrow HELLO!!
